As a 23-year-old lonely guy, I’ve learnt a lot in my 20 years of watching porn and I’d like to share it with you.

In porn, if you get caught wanking off by an attractive Mum, she is never repulsed and 100% of the time; she finishes the job for you. In reality if you get caught wanking off by an attractive Mum, she goes absolutely mental. She starts screaming and throws you out of her dinner party.

People have weird fetishes and that’s ok. The internet has made people a lot weirder because it has shown them things they can copy which they probably never even thought about doing before. I once saw a video of a guy pissing all over a girl’s face and in her mouth. I never thought a girl would want to drink something that was once a drink I had. Why don’t they drink their own drinks instead of my second hand piss-drinks? Before I saw that video, I’d have thought doing something like that would be weird with a capital WEE! LOL!!!!!11?!

The best job in the world is blurring out the genitals in Asian porn. Some bloke is getting paid to sit in an office, looking at a fanny getting penetrated all day just blurring it out. He probably gets ‘tug breaks’ too. I imagine it’s not necessarily an easy job, especially if you’re blurring out a fanny that’s moving around loads and the orgy scenes probably take forever.

I remember the first porn film I saw. It was the first time I’d seen a fanny and I was just really disappointed. It’s built up to be this amazing thing that’s beautiful and spectacular then you see it and go ‘ergh, what’s that? It looks like a battered tomato.’ It just doesn’t look that good. It’s all lines and flaps. Dicks aren’t good either. They’re all veiny and the balls are proper wrinkly. To say they’re the parts meant to turn people on, they’re pretty ugly.

Horny women are always close by. I was watching porn once and there was an advert on the side with a picture of an attractive middle-aged woman that said “‘Juicy Milf’ is just twelve miles away from you – say hi and you could be fucking her within ten minutes.” Firstly, I could not get 12 miles in ten minutes. I could maybe be on a bus in ten minutes. Secondly I would not travel 12 miles just to meet a woman who describes herself as ‘Juicy’. Maybe if it was ‘Slutty Milf’ or even ‘Juicy Milf 69er’. But I like that they put a picture of a really attractive woman. If they could see the state of some of the hogs I’m wanking off to, they really wouldn’t try to entice me.

The title of the video is an important factor when luring me in. I saw a porn film recently called ‘Fatty Gets Fucked By Pizza Boy’. It turns out however that she was only hungry for one thing and it wasn’t pizza (cock). More recently, I saw a video called ‘Diary of a Cockaholic part 1’, which has since become my favourite title for a porn film. The fact it said ‘part 1’ suggested there was loads of parts like it was a continuing series but I couldn’t find part 2 or even part 3 so I don’t know if she ever overcame her addiction.

If you’re on a porn website and you hover your mouse over the video’s thumbnail, it’ll show you little snippets from the video, which is cool because it’s like a little film trailer. Especially when I do a voiceover for it. The only thing that bothers me about it is the spoilers. Sometimes it’s nice to guess what’s going to happen rather than them just spoiling it and showing you. It’s like ‘Oh look, he came on her tits again!’

Anyway, that’s some stuff I learnt from porn.

 

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