Number 1: Nelson Mandela.

I love Nelson Mandela because he did a lot for black people and I really like black people – particularly Nelson Mandela. People always come up to me and say “Who’s your favourite black person?” and I say “That’s a weird question.”

I must say, I don’t really like the fact that he was in prison. It means he was a bit of a bad egg. Thinking about it, I don’t know why he went to prison. If I were hazarding a guess I’d say DVD piracy. Because I don’t think he killed a man or stole a car or something. I reckon piracy is more up his street.

Number 2: Gordon Ramsey

Gordon is a really good chef and made swearing cool. On his show ‘Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen Fucking Nightmares’ he’ll go in and not be afraid to tell it how it is. He’ll be like “Why’s there cockroaches everywhere?” It’s weird that because if I worked in a kitchen and I knew a camera crew was coming in, I’d definitely have a bit of a tidy up first.

The thing about Gordon Ramsey is he’s always shouting. It doesn’t matter how much money you’re making if you hate your job. Why doesn’t he get a new job? Why doesn’t he be like a milkman or a bus driver? You never see a bus driver shouting. Be a bus driver Gordon.

Saying that, I do aspire to be like Gordon Ramsey. Sometimes I’ll even go in to a restaurant and I’ll go up to a waiter and say ‘Hurry up with that salmon you tosspot’ or ‘Where’s that chocolate mousse you fuckhead!’ You don’t get invited back to a lot of places after that but I get a big laugh out of it.

Number 3: Forrest Gump

I know Forrest Gump isn’t real but he’s a real inspiration to me. He had no legs at the start of the film or something and then he’s running around for about 60% of it. It just shows what you can do if you put your mind to it.

There’s a bit in it though where he’s running for about 5 years and about 300 people are running behind him. If 300 people were running behind me I’d probably stop and see what they wanted. One of them might have a letter for him. I bet his postman was knackered.

Number 4: Tom Hanks

Tom Hanks is really good and he clearly likes running. He did all that running in Forrest Gump that I’ve just talked about but then he was in a film called ‘Catch Me If You Can’ as well. I’ve not seen it but he clearly likes to run and good on him. It’s nice to have a hobby.

Plus he was in a film called ‘Big’. I always wanted to be big when I was young and now I am big and it’s fucking brilliant.

Number 5: Jackie Chan

He’s really good at karate Jackie Chan. It annoys me that people always go ‘Jackie Chan is my favourite China man.’ Oh is he? Well here’s an interesting fact, he’s not from China, he’s from Hong Kong. Go up to Jackie Chan and say ‘You’re my favourite China man’. He’ll put you through a fucking wall.

I’ve seen all of his films. I’ve seen ‘Rush Hour’; I’ve seen ‘Rush Hour 3’. I’ve not seen ‘Rush Hour 2’ actually. I was going to download it but that’s how Mandela got done isn’t it?

It’s weird cause Jackie Chan always plays nice characters but then there’s always about 200 people trying to batter him in every film he’s in. He must be doing something wrong. Maybe he’s a racist.

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