With the news of Wayne Rooney bitch slapping WWE wrestler Wade Barrett we thought we’d take the opportunity to show you how to handle a real beef. Rooney is an aggressive player on the pitch, but straight up slapping? What is he a trout?! Here are some serious tips to help you (and Wazza) on how to win a fight…
1. Use Dirty Tactics
If you’re wanting to win a fight then you are going to have to fight dirty, that means eye gouging, biting and even a kick to the balls. It may seem like you want to have a gentlemanly fight, but if you want to win then you are going have to mess with their shit. If you are feeling particularly confident pull a Mike Tyson and just rip their ear off… albeit that might just get you a red card.
2. Keep Mums Out of The Beef
It’s an unwritten rule that when it comes to slagging off each other, mum’s are off the table. We always find it more effective to actually go for girlfriends, guys always get easily pissed off when other guys claim to have slept with their girlfriends etc. This is a better way to get under your opponents skin and worth a yellow card at the very least.
3. Pick a Suitable Weapon
If you’re a real man you should use your good old fashioned fists, but with Wade Barrett, the guy who got slapped by Wayne Rooney at WWE professing to be a bare knuckle fighter, you might need to go one stage further.
Okay so you could go for the steel chair or a kendo stick, but a can of lynx or a baseball bat can really leave a bruise, but a bitch slap is completely out of the question. Sorry Wayne…
4. Always Keep it One on One
To be a man’s man you have to fight one and one. No handicap matches here or your reputation will go down as quick as Mia Khalifa on a porn shoot…
5. Do Not Slag off on Social Media
You are not a keyboard warrior, you’re a man, so act like one. Showing your beef on social media can get out or proportion and one of you will end up looking like a dick. Don’t let it be you.
6. Have ‘The Rock’ in your gang
If you truly need someone to lay the smackdown then Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson is your man. Let’s just hope what he’s cooking ain’t your ass over a burning fire…
7. Get Some Sparring Sessions with David Haye
Everyone’s looking to land that Haymaker to make you the knockout king, but let’s get real! You’re going to want to get some practice in before you have your big fight, so we suggest that you get some sparring sessions with David Haye. Now hear us out before you say why not another Heavyweight Boxer, but David will be able to show you how to give a punch and how to take one and if you don’t learn that he’ll teach you how to make up a good excuse for losing the fight… Sorry David.
8.Think of Some Good Excuses
You’re going to have to come to terms with the fact that you may lose the fight, so getting a good excuse ready is vital. “I’m still injured from my West Ham football trial” or “That trout I had on the go shagged my hip out!” this way you go down like a MAN not like a Trout!
9. Get Fight Club Ripped
Get out of Greggs and into the gym. Put the pasty down and pick up those weights. Preparation is key and every trout loves a ripped bloke, so even if you go down in the 5th, you’ll be adored regardless.
10. Just get the Undertaker from WWE to do your business for you and Tomb Stone his ass to the canvas…
— Scouting For Trout (@ScoutForTrout) November 11, 2015
Let’s be honest Wayne Rooney bitch slapped Wade Barrett! It might be why Phil Bardsley ended up the winner previously when him and Wayne Rooney came to blows, but the night after Raw on WWE Smackdown, Undertaker showed everyone how it should have been done.
Imagine Wayne Rooney putting a tomb stone on someone like Vincent Company or John Terry? Not only would it get ratings, but it would be more entertaining than Louis Van Gaal’s current crop regardless of it being make believe or not.