Lately I signed up to an online dating website to see how easy it would be to meet people. Sometimes in life it’s hard to meet people without being awkward or embarrassing yourself. At least online you can choose which pictures to upload (obviously you pick the best photos) so people only see you in a certain way. In real life, you only have your stupid actual face to go by. Also, online dating does a lot to save your confidence. I like the idea of messaging a girl and not seeing her laugh in my face – unless she was cruel enough to upload a video of her laughing as a response. In that case I don’t want to go out with her anyway.


I found out if you pay for your account, you can get certain perks that you don’t normally get. Like it tells you when girls have read your messages. Brilliant! So you’re saying I can pay to discover how many girls find me repulsive? Sign me up.


No, I didn’t really pay for my account. I was just using sarcasm. I like not knowing if my messages have been read or not. If you message someone and they’re not interested, they simply won’t reply and you can think ‘maybe they just didn’t read the message’. If you spoke to someone in real life and they didn’t reply, that would probably hurt more than them actually saying ‘Urgh, get lost you ugly freak.’


I used a fake name when creating my profile but I’m not sure why. I said my name was Eddie but it isn’t. It makes no sense to use a fake name when you’re uploading real pictures of yourself. It’s not like you can go rob a bank and no-one will be able to trace it back to you because you used a fake name on Plenty of Fish that time.


Girls will put things on their profile saying things like ‘Please don’t send me any nude pics’. I like they have to write that is if they’re constantly being bombarded with cocks. If I was a pervert (and I’m not) and I saw a message asking me not to harass them with pictures of my genitals, I’d probably still do it. It usually takes a lot more to stop a pervert from being a pervert than an extra sentence at the bottom of your profile.


It’s hard filling in a section about you on a dating profile, knowing that whatever you write will be judged by people. I’ve found 99% of the times people say ‘I’m not afraid to say what everyone else is thinking’ – that is code for ‘I am an arsehole’. And when people say ‘what you see with me is what you get’, I see an arsehole.


So that’s all you need to know about online dating. Now get out there and meet someone you little tyke.