I once gave a full pack of Doritos to a homeless guy. Not even one of those small packs either – it was a big pack. I didn’t even go around telling everyone about it afterwards to make myself look better (except for telling you lot right now). My point is that you shouldn’t do stuff for charity just so you can tell everyone about the nice thing you did. You should do it because you want to help people. You shouldn’t even need a ‘thank you’. That homeless guy didn’t thank me but you don’t hear me going on and on about him NOT THANKING ME. It actually turned out he wasn’t even homeless but if someone hands you a free big bag of Cool Original Doritos you should say thanks, I don’t care how unhomeless you are.


I don’t mind people raising money for charity (I’m like Mother Teresa or some shit) It’s just how they do it that I have a problem with.


A guy I know recently asked if I’d sponsor him to do a sponsored sky dive. I don’t like how people use charity as a way to do amazing things they’ve always wanted to do and expect us to give them money for it. I couldn’t go ‘Hey guys, I’m gonna go toss off in the shower. It’s for WaterAid so give generously.’ If I’m going to pay you to do something, I don’t want to see you enjoying it. I want to see you crawling about in faeces or something, completely miserable.


Then there’s people who will try raise money in a way that has nothing to do with the charity like raising money for ‘Help the Aged’ by wearing a wacky tie every day for a month. What the hell is that? How about I sponsor you to not talk to me for a month instead of the tie thing? Some people try and connect it but it looks stupid. Like raising money for starving Africans by making a huge wacky fish finger.


And some people are really lazy when trying to raise money. “You want me to sponsor you for growing a beard? But it’s not even a wacky beard.” Growing a beard for charity is stupid because it means you’re actually doing less work than you normally would and expecting money for it. It’s like letting the grass grow in your garden and charging your neighbours to look at the shitty mess you’ve created.


TV shows will sometimes get involved and have celebrity editions of the show to raise money for a charity. The shows are always so stingy with the money though. ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire’ would deny the NPSCC 30k because Peter Andre can’t guess what a group of ferrets is called. People probably die because of stuff like that.


Anyway that’s charity in a nutshell.