1. The One Who Thinks He is Ronaldo

At every game of 5 a side football there is always one lad that thinks he is Ronaldo and the truth is he has an okay finish, however, the rest of his game is shit and he never passes for shit.

Usually you can find him goal hanging waiting for someone who actually does all of the work to set him up. Chances are even after he scores he will have a celebration that lasts 15 mins that is so elaborate that him trying to do a back flip takes more effort than he has put in the whole game. Wanka.

2. The Organiser


The organiser is the godfather when it comes to 5 a side football, what he says goes.

Usually he picks the team and acts as referee when it comes to any calls that require a mutual decision make.

Always be on his good side or you may find yourself on the bench. On the football pitch he is also most likely to do fuck all other than pass the bibs out. however, no one will pull him up on it as after all he did pull this off and is the reason you are playing so shut the fuck up and get on with it.

3. The One Who Came Alone Last Minute


No one actually knows who this person is at 5 a side football.

The organiser drafts him in last minute as there was a drop out and the majority of the game he’s as useful as a condom in a nun’s handbag, but he makes up the numbers and puts extra cash in the organizer’s pockets which instead of beer obviously goes on new balls and bibs…

You will spend the whole game trying to remember his name and most likely this first time you meet him will also be the last, so don’t get too attached and certainly do not expect him to be any good.

4. The Shit One


This is the lad who has two left feet which are backwards and up his arse. You look at the organiser and make a cheeky comment hoping not to be on his team or you’re in for a tough and long night.

He is most likely spotted in the box fucking up or in his own half fucking up or putting in a tackle and fucking up.

He is so awful that a blind shih tsu with two legs would have a better touch than this guy, but tread carefully if he has offered you a lift home as nobody wants to be stinking in the rain waiting for a bus or the tube.

5. The One Who Had Trials


This is the lad who had trials for Everton when he was 9 and now 15 years later he still thinks he is within a shout at 5 a side football even though he has not played 11 aside in years, drinks 30 pints a week and smokes 30 a day.

To give credit where credit is due he is a quality player, but not good enough to deal with the bragging and glory days of when he could of made it as a professional.

If you are looking for a tip then listen to this guy when it comes to picking an accumulator as he is usually right and is a fantasy football master.

6. The Crazy One


There’s always some crazy bastard who you want to have on your side that can lose it at a moment’s notice. Usually you can find him swearing at team mates starting fights and winding others up, but as long as you are fighting the cause everything is sweet and you’re happy to have him in the trenches.

If you’re against him, avoid him at all costs as one mistimed tackle could make you in for the hairdryer treatment or if he’s hungry taking a bite out of your armpit. Yummy.

7. The Diver


This is pretty self explanatory usually in every 5 a side football team you’ll find the diver.

You literally cannot touch this guy without him pulling out the dramatics for free kicks and penalties as he tumbles over like he’s been shot.

When he stands up it’s like he has never been touched, but be careful because if he throws his toys out of the pram he might just get his way in order to get him to shut the fuck up.

8. The One Who Loves Tricks


Finally there is the footballer who loves tricks.

Okay so he very rarely scores or even pulls the tricks off at 5 a side football, but that does not stop him from trying or looking like a dick.

This lad always goes for the naughty nutmeg and thinks he can pull them off, but 99% of the time it falls on its arse.

This player can also be miss interoperated into a ball hog. Whatever term you use he ain’t going to win you the game single handedly.

Have we missed any 5 a side football types out?

Tweet us @ScoutForTrout and let us know your thoughts fisherman!