1. Girls don’t know it, but they like being scared. Nothing makes a girl more turned on than when you leap out from behind a wheelbarrow or something and give a terrifying high-pitched scream. After she’s realised it’s all just a hilarious joke and you don’t want to kill her, she’ll be so relieved and so turned on that she’ll rip her shirt open and slap her tits. When an animal leaps out from behind something and scares another animal, that animal is usually the strongest of the two. So scaring a woman also makes her see you as a strong, powerful animal. And who doesn’t want to suck a lion’s cock?

2. Draw them. Girls love it when a guy draws them. But only if it’s not a half-arsed drawing. Either put in as much effort and detail as possible (shading her filtrum, counting the individual wrinkles on her forehead and perfectly capturing the essence of her oval nostrils) or play it cool by putting in as little effort as possible (a circle on a stick). Also, try not to giggle whilst drawing her boobs, it makes them all wiggly and they’ll definitely tell their friends you’re ‘a boob-giggler’.

3. Touch her. Not inappropriately. I’m not saying every time she says something nice or funny then flick her poophole. I just mean give her a friendly touch on the back every now and then. Try not to pat her on the head like she’s a dog and try not to thump her in the back like you’re a boxer.

4.Sing her to sleep. Girls really appreciate when you sing them to sleep; it doesn’t matter if you’re sat next to them or standing in their garden. It’s just nice to be the last voice they hear before bed – that way they’ll be dreaming about you. Try not to be a dick to them in their dreams though. Even though it won’t really be your fault, they’ll still be annoyed at you when they wake up and because of it, they may even fart in your Mum’s face.

5. Ask her questions. When you see girls on dating websites, most of them say ‘If there’s anything you want to know, just ask’. So it’s always good to message them asking as many questions as you can; ‘what’s the capital of Denmark? What’s the term for a group of Squirrels?’ etc. Then if you have time, ask her some stuff about herself; what’s your address? Can I draw you? All the usual stuff.

6.Stand out. All guys are the same, walking around with their heads on their little necks and their willies in their little trousers. They’re all after the same thing… intercourse. Sexual intercourse to be precise. And they’re all going about it the same way – compliments. You think saying ‘you’ve got nice eyes’ is a unique way to get a girl interested? Everyone says it. If you’re going to compliment her, compliment something different. Say ‘you’ve got nice square teeth’ or ‘you’ve got a pleasant gammy leg’. People think that magic is lame but if you go up to people and rip your own head off as a magic trick; 100% of them will be impressed. Stand out by finding a way to rip your own head off. If you can’t find a way to do that then make a coin disappear or summat.

7. Learn from your mistakes. I once asked out a girl and she said no, so I buried my head in to a shepherd’s pie until she changed her mind. I was there for forty minutes before I was rushed to hospital and she didn’t even change her mind. But I learnt not to do that again.

8. Send her cute texts. Girls like waking up to texts like ‘Good morning beautiful’ or ‘I just tossed off over your facebook pics. Squirted my love goo all over the place LOL’.

So that’s it – 8 steps to start you off on your road to a healthy and happy relationship. Now get out of here you little scamp.