Conor McGregor stunned audiences worldwide by knocking out Jose Aldo within 13 seconds which is incredible, but probably typical of the amount of time most Irish lads last on a Saturday night with a decent trout.

McGregor is now the new UFC featherweight champion and with a knockout in 13 seconds he’s fucking fast, so here are 8 things faster than the McGregor vs. Aldo fight.

  1. The Time It Take For a Scotish Man to Get Sun Burn

If you ever go on holiday with a Scottish person you may as well of gone on holiday with Count Dracula as Scottish people burn underneath a fireworks display.

By the time Conor McGregor has knocked out Aldo you would already be dialling 999 for an ambulance as your Scottish mate has managed to get 3rd degree burns from being out in the sun for 13 seconds.

They have specially made sun cream for Scottish people it’s called indoors, Irn Bru and a Chinese snack box as even factor 3000000 wouldn’t prevent a Scottish lad turn into an A&E patient.

2. A Smack Heads Giro


If you ever see a smack heads bank balance we can guarantee it will always at £0.00.

Those bastards spend their benefit money faster than you can say the words, ‘job centre’.

If you were to check the bank transactions of a smack head 13 seconds after they have received their giro you can assume that they would have spent it in Pound Land, William Hill and Mad Dave’s Crack house.

To be fair smack heads do have their uses as who else is going to smell of piss, harass us for money and drink Tesco cider at 11am on an idle Tuesday?

3. A Tinder Date with a Fat Trout


If you go on a Tinder date and you turn up to find the trout is 6 sizes bigger than she looked in the photos well you will be out of there faster than that knock out.

It’s one thing to date a trout as you reel it in, but no whale is going to fit into your net and remember if you can’t pick it up don’t bring it back. The aggro just ain’t worth the time or the hassle.

4. Our Iphone Battery


We have to keep our phone connected on charge for so long we may as well have a landline.

Seriously Steve Jobs, you made phones that can do absolutely everything, but what’s the point if your iPhone battery only lasts 13 seconds in the first place?! He is blatantly laughing at us from the land above.

Apple should aim for their iPhones to last longer than the McGregor fight because our battery goes down faster than a trout’s standards after a few shots.

5. Pringles in a Stoners House


No food is safe in a stoners house especially Pringles.

If  you get really high then let’s face it, those Pringles are going to be gone in quicker than 13 seconds and once you pop…

Pringles are the greatest food when you’re high outside of a trout sandwich, but when you get the munchies no one is safe. The munchies turn you into an animal and as soon as you see that tube of Pringles they are gone faster than McGregor vs. Aldo.

6. Free Condoms in a Student Union


Students don’t like paying for shit; they’re always broke and sometimes struggle to buy food… never mind contraception!

Although they still find enough cash to buy Dominos pizza and £1 vodka shots you don’t get buy one get one free on contraception at Fresher’s week and perhaps that’s where the problems lie as everyone loves a bargain or a freshly baked slice of goodness.

When they hand out condoms at the Student Union they literally last seconds like Jose Aldo, plus most of which are picked up by arrogant lads who think they’re a pick up artist when in actual fact those condoms will be used in a water fight or a condom challenge.

When it comes to things which go faster than McGregor vs. Aldo condoms at a student union are up there as everyone loves a good balloon fight.

7. The Mixers at a House Party


Mixers at a house party always go everywhere as drunken fuckers fail to judge the fizz and before you know it it goes everywhere and the bottle is done just like McGregor vs. Aldo.

Mixers never last long at a house party and eventually at 2am you have to become your own cocktail maker, creating classics like Gin and chocolate milk. Yummy.

8. PiriPiri Sauce at Nandos


That haunting moment; you’ve sat down and quickly realised what you are ordering, go to the till, spend your hard earned wonga to then go for the sauces to make your Cheeky Nandos complete when you realise that some fucker has taken all the Piri Piri sauce.

You start kicking off to the waiters and demand the Portuguese sauce of the gods; they go to the back and bring you a bottle of Nando’s finest when your cheekyness arrives. Then as you start to pour the bastard, the entire contents of the Piri Piri sauce comes out quicker than the McGregor vs. Aldo fight!

Now my butterfly chicken is swimming in a pool of Piri Piri sauce. Great. Soup it is.