1. Bring George Best Back to Life and on the pitch at Manchester United

Manchester Scouting for Trout

To bring Manchester United back on top they need to do something drastic, and that is bring George Best back from the dead.

Georgie was a god on and off the pitch, our only concern is that with apps the way they are he might spend more time on tinder looking for trout to shag at half time.

Still even with shagging multiple trout and having half a bottle of Bacardi with his cornflakes in the morning he could still make Manchester great again. RIP Georgie Best #Legend


2. Loan Out Wayne Rooney

Manchester 2 Scouting for Trout

Listen Rooney used to be the man, but perhaps that hair transplant has now had an effect on his brain because our nan can play better than him at the moment, and she has a wooden leg.

Let’s just get rid of him and put him on loan, not to another football team.

We suggest a zero-hour working contract at Weatherspoon’s as that should get him going to realise that he wants his place in the team back. Our suggestion is the one at the Sheffield train station as he will feel wanted by all the Sheffield United fans!

3. Get LVG a Trout

Manchester 3 Scouting for Trout

LVG looks like a miserable bastard and can you blame him? Nothing makes him happy, not winning, not dealing with the press, not anything. Can United fans blame him? Watching paint dry is more entertaining than Man Utd right now.

Man Utd fans need to find him a nice fresh piece of trout and perhaps Ryan can give him a helping hand. That is what assistants are for.

4. Raise Moral at Manchester United

Manchester 4 Scouting for Trout

Team moral at Manchester United is far too low, you can see it in them when they play as Juan Mata looks like Nigella Lawson without a gram of cocaine. They need to take the wolf of Wall Street approach to this: Strippers and Drugs.


Okay so the entire team might get banned by UEFA, but they do what they want anyway, so why can’t the red half of Manchester and get away with it?