Destroy Your Car

1.  Enter your Car into a Street Race


destroy your car scouting for trout


So it didn’t work out too well for Paul Walker, but if you’re truly determined to destroy your car and risk life and limb this will certainly get the adrenaline flowing as you race around the streets of sunny Salford.

Okay so a pumped up 1.2 Vauxhall Corsa might not be the answer to your need for speed, but nevertheless it deserves be destroyed a lot more than a beautiful piece of Italian exotica.

If you’re still alive to tell the tale then the money you’ll get from the insurance thanks to your injuries being covered on the NHS could pay for a slap-up meal for your Trout. Either that or a PS4 to re-create your unheroic actions on Grand Theft Auto.

2. Get into a Police Chase

police scouting for trout

Not only can you destroy your car by being in a police chase, but chances are that you’ll become a celebrity as helicopters and cameras follow your every move as your actions go viral on YouTube.

If you’re in the Hollywood hills that’s a bonus as every action movie has a good car chase, plus Yank cop cars look so much cooler, but even if you’re in Slough action is action and this car needs to be destroyed.

Okay so you’ll get arrested and the insurance company might not be too happy, but where there is blame there’s a claim and if the police have gone and rammed into you, it’s their fault not yours.

Trout will think you’re a lovable rogue with an edge whilst you tell your mates all about it down the pub, which could take a while after two years in prison at her Majesty’s pleasure. Either way it will be worth it.

3. Destroy your Car by Runing over your Ex Girlfriend

scouting for trout]

Okay so this is extreme, but desperate times sometimes require desperate measures.

Just remember Scouts… if you destroy your car doing this it’s more than likely to be the end of your freedom and any insurance money will be tucked up gaining as much interest as Trout have in men with a ‘good personality’.

It’s true that your ex-trout will be sleeping with the fishes, but chances are the only thing you’ll be sleeping with is your right hand and a big butch bloke called Frank.

4. Destroy your Car with a Molotov Cocktail

fire scouting for trout

Is there anything cooler than blowing up your own car with a Molotov cocktail? Okay so shagging Mila Kunis horse back might just top it, but that ain’t really the point now is it?

Take an old-rag dripping in petrol then put it in a half bottle of spirits, but not vodka as that would just be a waste especially if it’s a bottle of ASDA’s finest. Then finally light the rag and throw it to blow that fucker up.

Naturally we suggest with the insurance money you have a fish supper with Mila Kunis herself. Let her pay though it’s only right.

5. Use it as a Getaway Car

mone sccouting for trout

If you’re struggling on ways to destroy your car then why not use it as a get away car for a robbery. Okay so you need to find someone with a plan to rob a bank, but that isn’t your problem, your motive is to destroy your car and make the most of it.

You’ll have to get rid of the evidence so by disposing the car you can get get your insurance money and a brown envelope from the robbers as a thank you thereby. Eat your heart out Dragons’ Den that’s what we call double return on investment…

6.Hire it to a chav

chav car

It’s a well known fact that chavs have the worst taste in cars and they do hideous modifications on them. Max Power is dead, but your chavved up beast can live long on without you… or at least until your chosen chav destroys it with bling beyond recognition.

Let’s face it, Pimp my Ride alone should have given owners instant insurance pay outs to their owners just for having to hang out with Westwood or Xhibit never mind live with the consequences of driving around their chavved up pieces of shit.

Get your local scally to hire your car and ‘pimp’ it out, we guarantee it will come back worse than it originally was and an instant insurance write off. Speakers in every compartment, doors dripped in ‘real’ gold, and a duel exhaust that your new chavtastic driver thinks will make him Lewis Hamilton. Either way the insurance company will take one look at it and feel so sorry for you that they will hand over those readies quicker than you can you can say the word trout.

7. Destroy your Car by Playing a Game of Car Football

ccar footy scouting for trout

With the lack of green space and fields to play regular football, your local ASDA is crying out for some true sporting action. Take a few shopping trollies, turn them upside down for goal posts, pop into the shop and buy a beach ball and you’re ready to go. Whilst you’re there get some fine ASDA baked batches, a cooked chicken and make a day of it.

Referees are optional at this stage, but your Trout can look on with such affection as you donut your way to victory a guaranteed paycheck and the Ball and Door trophy for World player of the Year.


8.Run it over with a G Spot Wagon

gwagon scouting for trout

The G Spot wagon is a beast, it will turn your Trout on and destroy anything in sight.

By the end of your third attempt your crushed car will look like a barmaid in a student union; ugly, rough and no one will touch it. Easy money.

9. Destroy your car by Hiring it out to Stag and Hen parties.

hen scouting for trout

The idea of a group of men and woman messing around with your car while they’re pissed is the perfect way to damage your car beyond recognition.

If they don’t destroy your car enough on the outside it’s guaranteed that on the inside they will leave your car smelling of piss, shit, sick and sex; it’s cheaper than a hotel room after all. A guaranteed insurance pay out and you’ve done your bit for marriage at the same time.

10. Cut the brakes and hope for the best.

enemy scouting for troutSometimes life can be a little boring, so driving around with no brakes is a sure fire way to make life interesting. After all we are looking to destroy your car. Chances are it will end in disaster, but money is money and your rent ain’t going to pay for itself. Meanwhile your Trout will take pity on you as you’ve been through a rough ideal