- My Mum is Coming Over
When a tasty bit of trout finds out that your mum is coming over they’re very quick to get out of there, especially after a one night stand. The mum excuse is perfect as no trout wants to be near a fisherman’s mum! She’ll be quickly pulling her panties up and fixing her make up and daring out of your flat quicker than you can say ‘Sky Sports Day’.
2. I Smell Something Funny, Shit, I must have an STi
So this is extreme, but if you need to get rid of a gone off trout you could pull this one out the book. We do recommend that you pick a relatively simple disease like the Clap otherwise if you pull a Charlie Sheen you’re just being a prick.
3. I Have a Date with My Girlfriend
After a one night stand Trout seem to get a bit pissed off when they find out that you have a girlfriend. Even though this is a risky excuse it’s an effective one, plus if you do have a girlfriend then she should respect your honesty because nobody likes a liar.
4. I Need To Go To Work – I Kick Baby Pandas for a living
Okay, now here us out. Here at Scouting for Trout we think Pandas are dicks and this is why… Pandas only eat one thing, plus they fake pregnancies in order to get better treatment and that can last for two years. So if you ask us pandas are selfish mother fuckers who should start being easier to deal with and try a kebab or a fish supper.
If you have pulled a one night stand then chances are you’ve used a fake job so why not use that to your advantage by making out your perfect job is actually not so ideal.
Tell your trout that you work in a zoo, when she asks what you do at the zoo just tell her you drop kick pandas all morning as they are little dicks. Your one night stand will be gone quicker than a Pandas pregnancy that’s for sure.
5. The Plumber is Coming Round and He Likes Hitting on Woman after a One Night Stand
Most trout have seen enough porn to know that the local plumber is always looking for a bit of action, but when you tell her that he actually does look for a bit of action on the side she’ll really want to leave.
The mere mention of an attempt to fix her pipes will get her opening that front door quicker than you can say the word velocity.
6. My Flatmate Vomits Around Trout
This is a gross excuse, but it will get the job done. If you want rid of your one night stand then just explain that your flat mate gets violently sick around trout and is allergic to fish. The mere smell will make them vomit all over her shoes left by the front door with carrots a plenty.
7. I Need to Sacrifice a Baby Goat to the Dark Over Lord Satan
You’ll be playing a dangerous game with this excuse if she is an EMO trout as this might be a turn on.
Top trout advice: Start playing some good quality goat noises off YouTube whilst she is in the bathroom and she will really freak. An added cry of “SATAN calls me” will finish it off and she’ll be running through the hills before she can pull her panties up.
8. I Promised My Uber Driver I Would Give Him a Lift to Work
Even Uber drivers need a lift. Okay you might not be able to pronounce their name to your Trout, but the thought is what counts and she will think you’re adorable leaving her on the side for another session later on in the year. Chances are she will be a blonde trout, you know the type…
9. I am Going to a Car Dealership to Laugh at People Who Buy Honda Civics
Because who the fuck would buy a Honda Civic.
10. Heading to The Doctors to Find Out ‘Why I See Dead People’ after a One Night Stand
This is the last resort, just play the weird card.
Okay if you are into sado masochism and she has asphyxiated you for a higher level of pleasure through lack of oxygen you might be in trouble. Either way the trout needs to leave the premises.